I got into the philosophicals last night in a conversation with CHloe - the fine line between love and hate and a healthy indifference.
She was seeing a woman for many years on and off until around 9 months ago. The woman in question really is an amazing girl. She's bright, ambitious and creative. Whenever I ask Chloe about why that finished, she's fairly open about it:
"The passion dried up. I know relationships can't be stomach churning exciting forever but I believe they can be affectionate and passionate forever if you meet the right person."
Chloe and her ex still speak from time to time. They have a beautiful way of speaking to each other. Their tone when talking sort of mutually says, "I'll always want to know you're ok," but they've both moved on. Chloe believes her ex served a purpose in her life. She believes she taught her how to give herself completely to someone and believes it was beneficial for her to have so many life experiences with someone she cared about so deeply. Much like I do, Chloe believes that things simply must happen for a reason. Of course, life is ultimately about a series of choices you make. Your choices will, however, be influenced by things outside of your control much of the time - things outside of human control altogether even.
People come and go. That's always the case. An overused quote is that of people coming into your life for a "reason, season or a lifetime." Cliched, I know, but true. I think how we behave once those people have left our lives, in the case of those that do, is a true test of a human.... It's one I generally pride myself on handling well, albeit not so much recently. Thankfully a calmer and more objective outlook has rectified that.
We all fuck up. Yep, every single one of us. I am personally the King of monumental fuck ups - though granted, I haven't made any huge ones in a couple of years now. But mistakes are part of the learning process, I think. And so too are people.
I've made friends I will always keep close, made friends I will always keep in distant contact with and I have made friends I will think of from time to time but never speak with really. What dictates the ones you keep close isn't necessarily about a certain quality of person, but just about how you and they slot into one another's lives.
Chloe and I last night got onto the topic of my formers, many of whom I keep in touch with. I've had 2 really nasty break ups in my life. One was very recent and one was a girl I lived with a few years ago - though she recently sent a heart felt letter (I love getting letter in the email age) apologising for everything, telling me about her recent clean bill of mental health (she struggled with a lot of mental health issues for a while) and telling me about her forthcoming wedding. Basically, it all worked out for her in spite of everything. Chloe made the point that sometimes the kindest thing we can do for someone is simply to walk away. Some will come back years down the line and slot themselves into your life in a different way. Lovers become friends, friends become lovers... roles change as people do.
I don't know where I am going with this post. I suppose what I am trying to sum up is that I don't hate anyone. For the first time in my life I think I have actually reached a point where I couldn't name a single person I would even say I "hated." Philosophical indifference, perhaps? Whatever it is, I like it.
That's not to say there aren't THINGS that I hate of course....
- Cancer. I hate cancer. Hate it with a passion.
- Bad grammar. I know it's pathetic that I hate bad grammar, especially in light of the fact that I am the typo King - but it winds me up like you woudln't be! Apostophes in plurals. WHY?? Anyway, ahem, I don't want to get started on my grammar niggles.
- Body odour. Can people really not smell themselves?
But people? No. You can only hate someone if they affect you, right? :)