Friday, September 3, 2010

Hello Again, World.

I just had an email which really caps a week of a similar theme for me. It was an email from my RL best friend, who I just met up with in town for lunch. His email his short and to the point:

"Welcome back to the world mate. Brill to see you looking happy."

This tops off a week of similar comments. My sister told me last night that my "smile looks genuine," for the first time in a year. My other friend, Andy told me it was nice to see me "back to my old self."

The truth is, I do feel the happiest I've felt in years.

I'm a lucky guy, honestly, and I think I'm coming to feel more and more grateful for the awesome stuff I have in my life. Loss happens to everyone in one way or another. It's not about dwelling on it - it's about learning frmo it, dealing with it and focussing on the optimistic.

For every bad thing that happens, something good does too.

Examples: My son's Grandmother is attempting to take custody of my boy. She has no case, granted, but it's still an unecessary stress. But half an hour after I found out about that yesterday, I also found out that my sister's ex boyfriend, who she is very much in love with still (they only split because he retirned to Brazil) has a work permit and a job in the area starting in November. He couldn't be without her, he said, and so has spent the last couple of months trying to organise his paperwork and get work. Bad news - good news.

Another example is the terrible and untimely death of my son's Mother almost a year ago. I'd do anything to have her back... but I have to focus on the good things that came from it. My son and I are closer than ever and I regained balance in my life and woke up from a fantasy I'd been living in. I would honestly, honestly do anything to have her back... I hate that she has gone, but I'm learning to focus on the good.

I'm done with negativity.

I am in counselling at the moment and have been for some time. I'm not a nutcase. I'm just dealing with issues that I should have dealt with years ago... anger and confusion at the death of my Father when I was 5, terrible and un-dealt with grief from the death of my Mother when I was 24. It all kind of came to a head, I guess, when my son lost his Mother. I had a terrible habit of writing off counsellors as being for nut jobs and the needy. I was wrong. In the name of coming to terms with stuff so that I could help my boy to do the same, I started counselling and it unravelled a lot of confusion. Some of it was stuff I wasn't even aware was there. I genuinely didn't beleive I ever needed to grieve my Father as my memories were so choppy. I remember him. I remember him playing football with me. I reember him dying and it seems then I lost a couple of years somewhere. I have few memories from the two or three years after his death. Well, I thought I had few.. but it seems I remember more than I thought I remembered.

I'm not gonna go into it anyway... but what I've established is that I have a core inability to communicate "upset" to people... so I close doors in faces, get angry and push back. It's not "incurable," though lol! It's part of what I've been working on and I feel so much stronger for it. I'm only about 12 sessions in but I already feel a world of difference. I feel more like me again, more motivated and just better all around.

I'ev established the things I need in my life to be happy.

I need my son. I need my sister. I need my nephew. I need my girlfriend. I need my friends.

Everything else, the businesses, material things and so on, while I like them, I don't rely on them for my core happiness.

Anyway, I have just realised how long this post is getting and it doesn't have a great deal of point in it. More of a brain dump, I think.

Have a wonderful weekend, folks :)

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