I'm a thuosand shades of blue today having lost a friend on Monday as the result of a tragic accident. But I'm not going to mope. Largely because I know she would have hit me over the head with something and told me to "pull myself together," if she saw me like this.
Perhaps that's a little unfair on her actually. She has actually been one of the most understanding people I've had around me over the past year... but she definitely wasn't a moper. And for me to become down and demotivated is counter productive.
I'm blue and that's expected. I'm gutted and that's normal. I'm still struggling to even believe it's actually real and that too is just as anyone would expect. But I'm going to keep my chin up because that's the very advice I gave her as she left my house last week having called around to talk when she was feeling down.
"Keep your chin up.." I said, as I watched her leave.
"Always do! You know that..." she replied as the front door to my building closed and she walked away from me for the last time.
She called me on Monday morning to tell me she had a job offer - a job offer that was basically going to turn her life around. And she ended that conversation in a similarly upbeat way.
"I have to go," I said, a few minutes in, "I have a meeting. But come round on Wednesday and we will have a congratulationary bottle of bubbly!"
"I'll hold you to that. See you then," she replied.
It was never meant to be. But I bought that bottle of bubbly anyway because even she can't celebrate her success with me I will raise a glass to her anyway.I went out at lunch and picked up a bottle I know she loves and tonight me and Chloe will raise a glass to her and my son will raise a lemonade. It's as it should be. Because although there's no denying the tragedy of a young life lost, she had achieved so much in her life that it would be almost rude not celebrate it. And I am trying to teach my son that even in the midst of the saddest tragedies, finding a reason to smile is essential. I say that I am trying to teach HIM that, but in actual fact I think he is perhaps better than I am at this.
It was the most tempting thing in the world this morning to stay in bed, to give myself a "mental health" day and do nothing. I almost did. And then I psychologically kicked myself up the ass and told myself to get a grip.
I don't feel a need to try and pretend things don't hurt anymore. I am in absolute agony, like so many people who loved her so dearly.
But I have to focus on the positives in my life, of which there are so many.
So I have a no moping rule, a no "taking out your anger"on people rule and a rule of open expression when it comes to how I'm feeling...
And I'm a thousand shades of blue today.