To the Mother of my Child

To the Mother of my Son

I've been thinking about you today. In fact, I have been thinking about you every single day since we lost you but perhaps more notably today... and yesterday. The dusting of snow brings a smile to his face and the Christmas decorations both in and out of the house bring cheer to his eyes.

It’s easier this year. A little. Last year it was so raw. This year he’s able to talk memories without crumbling. He paints your smile with his words as he talks about the festive seasons he remembers with you... how “Christmas is January in Russia.” He remembers very little of his Russian Christmases aside from that though. He remembers more of the first one he was here... the one we all spent together. He tells the same stories about that day over and over with increasing excitement.

He’s painting a picture for you for Christmas. Sorry – I guess I shouldn’t ruin the surprise. I won’t tell you what it is, but he’s putting a lot of effort into it. We’ll take it to the tree when it’s ready. Promise : )

We sit together, he and I, and we talk about you. We laugh at the sweeter memories. He shows Chloe photos of you and Chloe says,

“Your Mum was so beautiful.”

He beams proudly. He is so proud to be your son.  He is so fiercely proud of everything you were and of every moment the two of you spent together.

“Yes, she was,” he says to Chloe.

He loves her.... She will never replace you. She never wants to. But, Anje, she is such an amazing woman and a wonderful Mother figure. I know you’d want someone like her in his life. It’s what keeps me smiling, knowing how pleased you would be.

You’ll be with us this Christmas. I’ll be thinking of you. He will be thinking of you. It will be a contrast to last Christmas though, which was a little dark, to be honest. I know you’d have hated that and would have hated to see him so torn up. We’re making up for it this year. Big plans, Anje. A big, festive, family one. He’s genuinely excited. I suppose he feels like he has not had a Christmas in two years.

I heard that song you liked yesterday.  Maybe that’s what got me thinking. “Winter Song.” We saw it performed on TV just before Christmas 2008. Our son keeps your CDs.... the twenty or so you had in England with you. He doesn’t listen to them. But they have pride of place on his shelf. Along with the photos... the letters he writes.... the pictures he draws. It’s all you. : )

I’ve been thinking of you today...and yesterday. We both have.

In fact, we never stop.

We miss you just as sorely today as we did the day we lost you. But we deal with it better these days.

Always in our minds, always in our hearts.

Sleep well, sweetheart.