Christmas Creeps Up and my Best Bud is Back

Christmas is less than 3 weeks. How did that happen?! It came around so quickly again. 

On Friday 21st December, I'll leave the office for a whopping 6 weeks off (thanks to Emma, my new Operations Manager, I can leave without feeling as though the world will implode)!

By the time I get back into the office, I'll have celebrated Christmas, my son's birthday, the New Year and will have a new baby son or daughter.

A lot going on.

One of the most exciting things going on? Craigy boy is back! One of my best friends and his lovely wife moved to the other side of the world a while back. He arrived back a few days ago. It's like he never left. He's totally fallen in love with my little girl, who's now toddling around and mumbling little words. He can't believe how much my boy has grown. And he has his own little bundle of joy as well.

Well, Craig, I guess we grew up. Instead of spending our first night out in ages in a club, we spent it in a quiet pub talking about (swooning over) our respective families.

It's better than it's ever been for both of us.

And as I'm unlikely to post again before Christmas, a Merry Christmas to you all. I wish you health, comfort, love and happiness. All of you. You know who you are :)

Controlling the Control Freak with the Chimp Paradox

I'm a control freak.

I like to be completely in control of every single element of my life. I think that's probably natural. But there are things we can't control:

• We can't control cancer
• We can't control mortality
• We can't control the weather
• We can't control the feelings of others
• Hell, most of the time we cannot control our own feelings

I'm learning to control my control freakish behaviours with this awesome book, The Chimp Paradox.

This book is awesome. It breaks down the mind into 3 sections:

- The human

- The chimp

- The computer

The human is the part of you that works on fact, that works without emotion and that responds based on concrete fact.

The chimp is the part of you that behaves based on emotion. The chump uses instinct and feeling to formulate its behaviours and responses.

The computer is the part of your mind that handles pre-programmed behaviours and these can be stored there by either the human or the chimp.

Identifying at any time which part of your brain is in control (the human or the chimp is as simple as asking yourself: "Do I want to feel like this or behave like this?" If the answer is no, then it's chimp behaviour.

Now, I'm not usually one for 'psycho babble' but this book is incredible. Just understanding your behaviours (the ones out of your immediate control) is incredibly powerful. If you're someone who struggles with anger, jealousy, erratic emotions or misjudged overreaction then this is for you.

Enjoy :)

Stuff That Scares Me

"You're not afraid of ANYTHING," 

said my son this morning as I swiftly took up a spider in a tissue and set it free out of the front door (as Chloe screamed on the stairs ;-)).

"Yes I am," I assured him.

"Like what?"

But before I had chance to answer he was distracted by the school holidays hyperactivity that sets in on the first Monday of the break and he'd rushed off into the garden to play football with our crazy dogs.

I was left washing the breakfast dishes with my thoughts.

I'm not as afraid as I used to be.

But I'm still scared of some things:

• I am scared of not being a good enough husband. Chloe deserves only the best. I just hope my best will always be good enough.

• I'm scared that my son and daughter and 3rd unborn child are growing up in a world with so much cruelty and evil. It scares me that one day they'll be out there as adults faced with it. 

• But I'm even more scared of being an over protective parent. I believe children have to make their own mistakes and, to some degree, discover the ugliness of humanity for themselves in many ways. It's what teaches us to protect ourselves.

• I'm scared to death of losing those I love. Aren't we all?

• I'm scared of a side of my character I know lurks somewhere. I have a tendency in the difficult times to disappear into a hole of my own self pity and it's during these times I push everyone else around me away. I am scared that side of myself is still there somewhere, though I haven't seen it for many years now.

But as I type this up sitting on the floor in a newly painted baby bedroom with a laptop, I know that in reality my fears are no different to those of anybody else. Will I be a good enough parent? Will I be a good enough spouse? Will I be just good enough? Will I be ok? Will those I love be ok?

We're human. We're all scared of something. It's life.

And when I look at my little family and our 3rd soon-to-be arrival, I know that the fears are worth it. Because for every moment I spend worrying about them all, I have a hundred moments of sheer, unrivalled joy.

To Mothers

For all of the amazing Mothers, step mothers and mother figures, you are amazing.

All of you.

Here's to the Chloes of the world who are rocks to their children, sturdy, consistent and always there with unconditional love and sound advice.

Here's to the Staceys of Manchester who work exhaustingly long hours from and are full time Mums too - cooking, cleaning, working, loving... How do you do it?

Here's to the Lisas of California whose parenting makes their children want to be their best and whose love is eternal.

Here's to the Sarahs of Nottingham who let their grown up children make their own mistakes but who will love them forever no matter what those errors are.

Here's to the Beths of Newcastle who open their homes and their hearts to troubled teenagers whose own parents have failed them. You give yourself completely and it's incredible.

Here's to the step Mothers and step Mother figures all over the world who have selflessly given themselves to children not biologically theirs, for however long or short a period. To touch the lives of children not your own (whether for a short time or forever) is one of the most selfless and precious gifts a woman can give.

Here's to the Mothers who've passed and who we think of every single day.

Here's to the unwavering advice Mothers are able to give, to the wisdom they impart and to the unforgiving lengths they go to in order to protect their children.

I've said it before and I will say it again - you amaze me.

The Things I Should Say Every Single Day

I was running late this morning. I jetted out of the house with a slice of toast hanging out of my mouth. As I got into the car, I received a text from Chloe:

"Here's the kiss you didn't have time for xxxxxxx"

I got out of the car, went back into the house and kissed my wife. Because I should never be in too much of a rush to do it.

My Mother used to tell me day in, day out that I should consider every single goodbye as the last, even just the goodbye I uttered as a teenager leaving the house to go to school every morning. She did that. As we were growing up, it was part of our morning routine. Mum would tell my sister and me how much she loved us over breakfast and she'd kiss us before she left for work. Every single day, without fail and (much to my horror as a sulky teen) regardless of whether we had friends around!

Yes, I was late this morning. But it was a small price to pay for a proper morning goodbye.

I will never be in too much of a rush to kiss my love goodbye in the morning. And it's not just the goodbyes I'm sometimes guilty of cutting corners on. There are so many things I should say every single day that I don't.

So, Chloe, my wife, my soulmate, my purpose, here are the things I should make the time to tell you every single day, because these are the definition of truth:

I know nothing truer than my love for you and our children. 

I still take the time every single morning to watch you as you wake up. In that state of half-sleepiness, you are at your most vulnerable. And it's as you are in this state that I am reminded of how much I love you and how much I live to protect you.

You are sexy. You are so, so beautiful to me and become more so with every single day that passes.

You're the funniest person I know.

You're the most creative person I know.

You're one of the most intelligent people I've ever had in my life.

You're driven, ambitious and that is the most admirable quality for a woman to have.

You are as wonderful a Mother as my own was.

I feel grateful every single day to have you in my life.

For the first time in my life, I believe I was made for someone. I was made for you and we fit.

Everything is better because you're in my life.

Chloe, I will never leave the house without kissing you again, my love xxx

We Don't Unlove

Humans are not built to 'unlove.' We don't get to choose who we love, when we love them and when we switch it off.

And it's on that basis and understanding that I was very sympathetic to the tears shed publicly by Chloe's ex at a wedding we went to today. Chloe's ex is a woman, a very bright and ambitious woman, kind, funny and sweet. She saw our little family, our son, tiny daughter and the ever growing bump that will be our 3rd child and she broke down into tears.

They've had their share of nasty exchanges over the last year, Chloe and Kirsty. Kirsty accuses Chloe of 'selling out to a boring straight lifestyle' and breaking her heart in the process. Chloe accuses Kirsty of turning some of their mutual friends against Chloe.

The truth is that Chloe and Kirsty split up. Some time later, Chloe and I fell in love and that seemed to mark with no degree of uncertainty that there would be no reunion for Kirsty and Chloe. And Kirsty hated me for the longest time. I understand it. I would have felt the same in her situation.

But tonight, when she broke down in tears at the wedding reception of a mutual friend, I felt her pain acutely. Chloe walked away to take the children away from that situation. I would ordinarily have followed, not keen to get into an argument in public. But I felt the need to talk to Kirsty and so I signalled to Chloe that I'd catch her up.

"Can I get you a drink?" I asked her. "Maybe it's time you and I had a chat that is made up of more than a series of expletives."

"Ok."

"I'm not getting you a red wine though. It has to be something clear in case you throw it over my shirt shortly..."

She managed a laugh.

We sat in a quiet corner of an otherwise bustling afternoon wedding reception full of happy adults, excited children and proud family-of-the-newly-weds. We said nothing for a few minutes. She was sobbing and I immediately felt this sense of compassion - not just because I am now married to the woman she cried for, but because I have felt what she is feeling. And I understand with such precision how helpless and full of unending sorrow she feels right now.

"Look," I said. "I think you and I have more in common than you like to think."

"Adam," she said, "With all due respect I don't think we have a single thing in common."

"We both know what heartbreak feels like," I ventured. "And we both know what true love feels like. And we both think Chloe is the most wonderful human being on Earth."

She cried more and I felt like I'd said the wrong thing, so decided to stop talking.

She eventually piped up.

"You're right. We have that in common. But I hate you for taking her from me."

"I didn't take her, Kirsty. You were already broken up. I fell in love with her. There's no crime in that. She fell for me and there's nothing we could have done about it. You know we can't control those things, cos if we could you'd have turned off how you feel about her right now. You'd have just stopped."

"Maybe. But maybe this intense pain is the only thing keeping me connected to her."

We talked some more. We developed an understanding. She will never like me, but she knows now that I understand her. And that I am not the reason that she and Chloe didn't work out.

She decided not long after that she was going to leave. She wasn't feeling up for it. She approached Chloe as she was going to leave, pulled her in for a (somewhat reluctant) hug and said,

"Your family is perfect. And you're made for one another. Good luck."

That was a beautiful gesture. And one I won't forget for a long time.

Because the truth is that as humans, we are not meant to unlove. We're not built to turn off emotions when they're inconvenient. We're simply not ever able to learn to not love someone. It either happens or it doesn't. And for me, love is something that lasts a lifetime. I've learnt that about myself. I don't fall out of love.

But sometimes love transitions and changes slightly. And we all learn to move on eventually.

I hope Kirsty gets there soon.

Breaking Up and Loving Again

First, I learned to breathe without you.

Then I learned to live without you.

Finally, I learned to love without you.

We’ve all been there, that tragic, Earth stopping moment that the ‘love of your life’ tells you it’s over. Your throat swells and it seems like hours and hours before you can breathe again. But in reality, it’s seconds.

Yes, really. Seconds. Within seconds of hearing that information, you’ve already learned (albeit you don’t really process it then) that you can breathe without that individual in your life.

You eventually accept, though perhaps don’t like, that the relationship is over. And you spend hours and hours during the nights crying alone in the dark. You try to carry on with the day to day but everything seems to have her name on it or a reminder of her. You see someone who looks like her and have to stop yourself staring. You hear a song you both loved. You see a book you know she would love. You experience a moment and wish she were there to share it. You’re not really living without her. She’s just absent while you continue to live with her in your mind and your heart.

But as the days continue, she interrupts your thoughts less and less. And one day, you climb in bed and realise that you didn’t think of her once during the daylight hours.

Eventually, she stops visiting your thoughts in the night too. You don’t do anything specifically to stop it. It just happens. Time takes care of things. You stop wondering what you could have done differently.

This is the point at which you’ve started to claim your heart back. You’re not quite ready to give it to someone else though, not until you have every last piece of it.

But you get there eventually. You do. You realise you have it all back, every last piece. And maybe it’s a little bit broken or cracked in places. But that doesn’t matter. As long as you have it all, that’s what counts.

Finally, you meet someone else. They accept that your heart is cracked in places and you must accept that of their heart too. But as long as you both have all of the pieces, you can help one another put the bits back together.

And for the luckiest amongst us, we realise that what we thought was the love of our life was not. It was a love, yes. But it was never meant to last forever. It was a gift while it lasted and you learned from it, but it was never supposed to last forever. We realise this because we find something that puts everything else into perspective. We find a soul mate.

I found a soul mate in someone who had been just a friend for years. And we have built a beautiful home and are blessed with an amazing little family.

And the world is wonderful once again J

I See You

My Darling,

I see you. I see you sometimes clearer than I see myself. I see the outline of all the things that scarred your beautiful heart and I trace my finger gently along their outline, casting them carefully away.

Your flaws are a part of what makes you so beautiful, my love. The scars you bear on your beautiful heart have shaped it into what it is and what you are now. 

Love was never kind to you, was it? Love seemed never to favour you and instead seemed to scorn you. Love was what seemed to cause you most of the hurt you endured. That will hurt no more now - because I'll protect your heart. I will protect it with my life, my love.

This time, love will be kind. Love will be fair. Love will be sweet. Because it's mutual, because it's unconditional and because it's the only thing I've ever truly believed I can give you forever.

Your Soul Mate

xx

One Year Old Today

How time flies. A year ago I cradled you in my arms for the first time and fell head over heels in love with you. Now, you're toddling around unaided (albeit spending a remarkable amount of time falling onto your bum!) and every time I walk in the door you toddle over to me, arms stretched out in a 'pick me up,' pose and you know I can't resist.

You have your Daddy wrapped around your little finger. You know if you look at me that way, smile and stretch out those chubby little arms that even when you're supposed to be going to sleep, Daddy's going to pick you up for a cuddle.

I can't help it.

You've got your big brother wrapped around your little finger too. He's just like me - can't resist your beautiful little smile and 'please pick me up,' eyes. How you two adore one another! Watching him fall in love with you just as Mummy and I have has made the first year of your life all the more beautiful.

I love you. I love you, your big brother and your Mummy as much as any human being has ever loved others. You are all so precious to me and fill my life with such unrivalled joy.

Happy Birthday, Darling. Don't go growing up too quickly, though...

Overcoming the Fear of Happiness

Chloe and I have been nervously ecstatic since April. Nervously because the last time we were ecstatic about something like this, it was taken away and it's human nature to be cautious when something has been taken once.

But we've decided to overcome that nervousness and spent last week sharing the good news with family and friends that we're expecting a baby in January. The pregnancy came just a couple of months after a miscarriage earlier this year. Quicker than expected but we'll take that as a gift. And we've been assured time and time again by medical professionals that everything looks exactly as it should this time.

We're being careful though - in other words I am fussing way too much and not letting Chloe do a great deal. (Sorry, babe. I'll stop being so annoying in a few months!).

But in January, we'll be a family of five. The two of us, our son, our daughter and our new baby. A boy or a girl? I don't mind. I just want a healthy baby.

Our Baby Girl

Our daughter will turn one in August and she's just taken her first steps. Yesterday she let go of my hand and took five or six completely unaided steps before falling forwards into the couch, crying a bit, laughing a bit and then doing it all over again. She's been walking aided by her brother for some time and is keen to master the art solo so she can chase him when he's not in sight!

Our Grown Up Boy

Our boy has just completed another year of school and ended it with a glowing report.

"He's intelligent, polite and a real joy to teach. I'm really going to miss him next year," were the closing words of his teacher.

We're so proud of him and of the gentleman he is becoming at such a tender age.

Having children has completely changed me and added a layer of meaning to my life that I could never, ever have hoped for. I get to be me. I get to have my husband and wife time with Chloe. I get to have my business time. But the bulk of my time is with the family unit, where I am Dad.

Dad in my household means: nappy changing, joke telling, cuddling, helping with homework, kissing cuts and bruises better, making the best hot chocolate in the world, answering the questions of the universe, drawing pictures, doign jigsaws, playing chess, playing football, making funny faces accompanies with bizarre noises and just being there.

It's the best job I've ever had. And I'm overcoming the fear of being happy about it.

Inspired by a Lazy Day In Bed

Thanks to my Sister, Chloe and I were able to take a day off the world yesterday as she took the kids for a night and day and I took a day out of the office.

Let’s not get up today.

No, let’s just stay in bed.

We’ll kiss and talk and laugh

And fall in love some more instead.

Let’s not face the world today

Let’s leave our chores undone.

Let’s make some time for love

My love, let’s make some time for fun.

We had a wonderful day yesterday. We weren't parents, bosses... we weren't anything other than one another's. An entire day where we switched the world off and spent the day in bed with movies, board games, laughter and love.

What a wonderful day. Simple pleasures.

Understanding Our Faults

"I did something I shouldn't have done today, Dad," my boy told me as he clambered into the car after his first day back at school following the half term holiday.


"What did you do?" I quizzed?


"I talked back to my teacher. I'm sorry."


My boy is bright. Very bright. And he's cheeky in an endearing way most of the time. But when he's adamant that he's right there's no changing his mind and he has an occasional tendency to give a little too much cheek to his elders.


He told me the tale. It was a very minor talk back but his teacher rightly told him that very rude and inappropriate and it left him feeling bad.


"Did you apologise?"


"Straight away. And again at the end of the day. But I want to buy her a box of chocolates and I want to write a sorry card tonight."


And that's exactly what he did tonight. Tomorrow he'll take them in and apologise again. He'll probably lose sleep over it tonight because he's a worrier. But I think it's good for him to feel bad about it!


I'm proud of him.


Not for talking back, of course, but because he was able to acknowledge he was wrong about something and swallow his pride sufficiently to apologise and put it right.


That's something that hasn't always been a strength of mine - admitting my flaws and mistakes. And there are many.

• I'm too stubborn
• I wallow
• I push people away
• In the past, I've taken love and loyalty and failed to give enough back
• I've been guilty of negativity
• I've taken people for granted
• Even today, I have a childish tendency to sulk when I don't get my way (despite now how having two children of my own)!

I'm not about to start writing 'sorry' cards ;-) but I am getting better at admitting faults.

My young son, though, learnt all about that a lot quicker than I did.

Freedom

There's a spring in my step as the summer approaches. It didn't occur to me that the reason might be as simple as 'freedom,' until Chloe mentioned last night:

"I've not heard you say you regret anything in weeks."

"What?" I asked, puzzled.

"It's been a while since I've heard you say that you wish you'd done something or you wish you hadn't said something. Just an observation. That's all."

And she's right.

I'm free of regret, of guilt. Free of self blaming for things in the past that didn't work out, beyond cursing myself for things I never said to my Mother or my son's Mother or my friend, free of any guilt for the hurt of others, free of all of it. Because it's all worked out ok.

There are some people I miss terrible (Mum, Anje, Amy...) and always will. But they all knew I loved them sincerely. They knew it and I know they loved me too. So no more regrets for a goodbye I never got to say to Amy and no regrets for the Sunday afternoons I left my Mother's half hour early after visiting for dinner. Because she knew I loved her. They all did.

No more regrets for hurt shared between myself and former lovers and friends. No regrets for vicious words and I hold no grudges for their vicious words either (you're ok, Andy ;-)). Because it's all worked out.

Of those still here, everyone is happy, has found happiness and whatever has happened in the past has led those people to a place that they are happy with.

Of those no longer here, not one of them would ever want me to wallow in regret or in grief. We cannot help but miss them, but life must continue. That's an incredibly valuable lesson I have learnt from my son - a young boy with a man's heart.


And I am free. I am liberated of the 'what if,' the 'if only' and self doubting.

Now, pride. Pride for the fact I was able to be in those people's lives even if only for a short time. Pride at being a good Father (it's the job I am best at). Pride at being a caring husband.

I am so, so lucky:

• I have a son who is the apple of my eye, the sun in my sky and the music that turns the beat of my heart into a song. He is perfection in breathing form.
• I have a baby girl who is a Princess in her own right. Almost 10 months old and already skilled in the art of wrapping Daddy around her little finger. She's stolen my heart and I don't want her to give it back.
• My wife. My soulmate. She and I have both taken crooked paths to lead us together. We went our ways, both thought we fell in love with others and both repaired broken hearts before finding one another again. And it was worth it. I appreciate her all the more for knowing how much more she is than everything I have known before. We are imperfect. But we're perfect for one another. And our family is built of strong stuff.

So wave goodbye to looking back. The future's waiting in all its colour and glory.

Here Comes Summer

It's been almost 2 months since I updated this blog. Time flies... it feels like just a few days ago!

My daughter is now crawling. What fun that's made for. It's amazing just how many 'things' babies manage to get their hands on around the house. Her preferred 'things to grab' include hair, the dogs, her big brother's books and flowers. So far :)

She's so beautiful. She sleeps through the night most nights now, waking at around 5:30 or 6. I love hearing her gurgling and mumbling to herself first thing in the morning. She usually wakes just as I am getting up so I peer over her cot and watch her smile. She's starting to make word-like sounds. Not words yet, but she's getting there. She raises her hands up when she sees me in a 'pick me up' motion. And she and I have half hour or so in the living room before waking Mummy up. That's plenty of time for a nappy change, some baby breakfast and some cuddles. Those moments are so precious to me.

Then I get my son up and he and I both have 'grown up' breakfast together. He gets ready and I drive him to school. It's much nicer in the lighter months too... he's happier getting up early and the impending summer feeling makes the morning more energetic. By the time I get to work, I've already had well over an hour of quality time with my children. It makes the day start right for me.

I recently cut my hours in the office back - I worked hard to get my business to a point at which I can enjoy a little more family time and now I'm cashing in on that. This will be the summer for me and my family. I'll be at home more and we have big plans. We're going to go on holidays to the Canaries for a week or so, we're going to do a couple of weekends away in the UK as well. We're going to spend time outside with the dogs, visit zoos and museums. It's our summer.

And I can't wait for it :)

Priorities

One of my sister's acquaintances had her son taken from her and put into care this week. It turns out she'd been leaving him home for hours and hours in the evening despite him being only 5. She wasn't going out to work or anything - she was going to the pub.

Drinking.

Leaving your 5 year old home alone so you can go drinking?!

What the??

As a parent, you don't get to prioritise yourself. Yes, you'll make time for yourself as is healthy. But the decisions you make in your day to day life are centred around what's best for your family.

Everything is affected by having children:

• Where you go
• When you go
• Who you go with
• Where you work
• The hours you work
• What you watch on TV
• the company you keep
• Relationships you enter and leave (as a single parent)

It all has to be determined by what's best for you and your children as unit. And as a parent, those decisions never feel like sacrifices because they're for them... they're for those little people whose smiles warm your heart. And that never feels like a hindrance. Never.

I despise selfish parents. Children are a wonderful gift to life and I can think of many people I know personally who cannot or simply have not had children for one reason or another and who would make spectacular, selfless parents. Seeing and hearing about kids with parents who have no idea about prioritisation and who behave like kids themselves makes me so sad and so angry for the people who would make great parents and who cannot.

/end rant

Lessons from my Mother

I always remember my Mother telling me this one night when I was 17, not long before I went to University. It was in response to my telling her ‘I don’t want to ever get married.’

“Somewhere in the world, someone is thinking of you right now. They just don’t know it’s you yet. They don’t know your name or where you come from. They don’t know what music you listen to or which football team you support. They don’t know what you look like. But they know you make them laugh and they know they’ll love you in a way nobody else ever will. They’ll know it’s you they’ve spent so many years thinking of within moments of meeting you. And you’ll know it too. And then we’ll see what you have to say about getting married, young man.”

Mothers are wise, indeed.

Many years later, not long after we had been told she wouldn’t defeat the cancer plaguing her body, she told me;

“You still haven’t met her.”

The comment came from nowhere and I was living with a woman at the time too. So it was a surprise.

“Met who?” I asked.

“The girl who’s spent her whole life thinking about you.”

I knew she was right and the woman I was living with at the time also knew she was right. She and I are friends these days and look back on our relationship as a time of lessons, but not lessons learned by two people who were ever meant to be.

Before my Mother died, she told me there were two things she needed to know before she could ‘leave in Peace.’

“First off, I need to know you and your sister will look after each other.”

“Of course we will,” I promised.

“Second, I need you to promise you will at least be open to love. I know you won’t go looking and I don’t expect you to. It’s not becoming of a man to look for it. But when it finds you – and believe me you will know it – don’t shut it out. Let it in and everything that comes with it, the good and the bad. Let yourself love.”

“I’ll try.”

It amazes me when I think back on those conversations in my Mother’s final days just how well she knew me, how she could practically read my mind and just how much wisdom she possessed.

The world is missing a wonderful woman. But I’m the lucky fellow with a mind full of memories of her.

Connections

Every now and then, you meet somebody you connect with (platonically or romantically) in a special kind of way.

We look at people all day long, but how many do we really see?

We listen to people all day long, but how many do we really hear?

We think of people all day long, but how many do we really feel?

It’s rare that two people connect on every single level and I think a part of a connection like that has to be instant. Its depth will increase over time, but I think the foundations of connections like that are immediate.

Of the three women I have ever been in love with, I knew within moments of first encountering them that there was a connection. I saw them in a light nobody else in that room did and they saw me the same way. They asked questions I wasn’t used to being asked, said things that just woke something up within me.

3 times in my life.

And I feel lucky. Because that’s 3 times more than some people ever experience it.

Human connection. It’s poetic, isn’t it?