For the hearts that I’ve broken,
And poison I’ve spoken,
It’s an easy word to say, “sorry,” without really meaning it. It’s difficult when you do mean it.
In three weeks, I will be getting married. It’s the biggest commitment I have ever made to anyone, aside from becoming a parent and I am excited. All kinds of excited.
Making a big commitment like that though and changing your life in that way makes you reflect. And reflecting I am indeed doing.
I was afraid of commitment for so long. I was certain marriage would never be for me, that I would never give my life to someone. I was wrong. I was an asshole when I was younger. I presumed that just because me and a girl agreed at the outset that it would not get serious, that feelings would never become involved. And if ever they did, I scarpered.
I was a complete ass. Granted, never intentionally. I was always up front and clear with people that I was not looking for anything serious in my younger days. But it doesn’t make it right... and feelings were hurt. And I’m sorry.
In more recent years, I have been involved in relatively serious relationships that didn’t work out. I shut down, closed people out, pushed people away and showed a side of me in my grief that tore vicious wounds into the hearts of people I loved – not just romantic partners, but also friends and even family.
I have completely changed in the last year and a half. Actually, I wouldn’t say changed. I would say I rediscovered myself, at the risk of sounding insane. For a while I was in a somewhat dark place and it was not just me who suffered. It was everyone around me too.
I say it again, I was an ass.
I’ve been fortunate enough to come out of it. Counselling helped and the people around me giving me a good kicking helped as well. I feel like me again, only now I feel like me with a real plan in life, a really tight family around me and a son (as well as a daughter on the way) who will look to me for guidance. Life not only has purpose now, it has real meaning.
But for every single word I said that hurt anyone, for every single moment I was absent, for every second those I loved tried to reach out to me only to find me unresponsive.... I am sorry.
To Anje, the Mother of my son, I apologise deeply for never telling you when I had the chance, how grateful I am for him.
To Amy, whom I will never, ever, ever go a day without missing, I’m sorry I didn’t make more time for you.
To my Mother... I am sorry it took me long enough to realise what I really want from life, that you weren’t able to be around to see me get it.
Lessons learned, knowledge earned.