For She

For she who means so much to me,
I give her my eternity.
An everlasting promise made
To love her each and every day.

For she who found the best of me
I give her my eternity,
My love, respect and honesty,
My life, my soul, my loyalty.

That every day I live and breathe,
I'll keep her close and she will see,
In every single thing I do,
The love I hold for her is true.

I never knew I was capable of loving someone like this....

Mum

Mum,




I won't cry for you on the big day. It's not my tears you want - it's my smiles. It's happiness. It's strength.



I could cry though. I could cry because the grief still wells up inside and the lump still sits in my throat and I could cry for the moments you have missed.



But you wouldn't want that.



Instead, I will imagine you there. I will imagine you enjoying picking out the wedding hat you so longed to shop for and I will imagine you sitting proudly, admiring my beautiful bride's dress and shedding your own tears of happiness as I commit my life to her.



I will imagine you straightening up my tuxedo and telling me to stand up straight, imagine you taking your seat at the head table with a glass of champagne and a twinkle in your eye - imagine you telling embarrassing tales of my childhood to Chloe's parents.



She reminds me of you, Chloe. That might sound weird... but she does. She has your strength of character and your resolute determination to do the right thing. There are some things she says to our son that are pretty much exactly things you said to me when I was growing up. He looks her the way I looked at you - with utmost love and admiration - most of the time at least.



I wish, more than anything in this world, that you were around to share the special day. Your presence would complete it.



Even though you can't be there physically though, you are there in my heart, you're then in my head and you are there in everything I do and say.



You were always right about me, Mum... I am a family man.



I love you. I miss you.
 
Adam x

My Princess

A baby pink border adorns the wall of the room that will be yours. How that room will change over time... the beautiful innocent baby pink decor may last a few years. And then undoubtedly you will be interested in a cartoon or something at four or five and you will want your room decorated accordingly.

Then that will be “so yesterday,” just a few years down the line and we’ll go for something plainer. Eventually, you will want something to suit your teenage years and that will probably be how your room looks until you go to University.

That room will be the place you laugh, cry... it will be where you talk in private to friends, do homework and listen to me reading bedtime stories to you.

Let me be honest with you, my Princess. I’m terrified. I’ve just learnt how to be a Dad to a little boy. And now I need to learn how to be a Dad to a little girl. I will make mistakes. I will hate your first boyfriend, we’ll fight about it, I will be overprotective and you will probably think that your big Brother gets too much freedom and you not enough. My younger sister always felt like that and she and I are closer in age than you and your brother.

As I said, I will make mistakes. But I promise you I will love you unconditionally and forever. And whatever I do will be done with you in mind. I will protect you, without over sheltering you and I will encourage you to become a strong individual with your own beliefs and your own opinions.

I am so excited. Scared, happy, nervous... ecstatic. Your Mummy and I are so, so grateful for you.

And you will know it... every single day of your life.

For my Wife to Be

My Dearest Chloe,

The first moment I realised that I was in love with you, you were laughing hysterically at arguably the worst TV show in the history of TV shows and had a dollop of Ben and Jerry's on your nose. It occurred to me in that moment that I wanted to share bad TV shows and messy tubs of Ben and Jerry's with you for as long as you would let me. And I realised in that moment that my feelings for you were irreversible in their entirety and that I was actually rather happy about it.

It was, of course, a couple of months later before I actually said those words to you. Ever cautious, I suppose... ever reluctant to commit.

That was then. And now, in just over two weeks, you will become my wife. You are carrying my baby girl. We're in the process of making you my son's legal Mother. That's not just "commitment." It's the complete integration of our lives, permanently. And it's the most exciting thing that's happened for us.

I fall in love with you every single day. Every time I wake up and start the day seeing your face, I fall in love with you, further than I did the morning before.

I love our three times weekly bike rides, our weekend morning runs, our Wii Fit sessions, our evenings spent cooking together, our board game sessions with our little boy, the quiet half an hour we spend before bed every night.... I love kissing you hello when we both get back home from work... I love our life together.

Chloe, I can't promise you that I won't say stupid things from time to time, that I won't do stupid things, that I won't annoy you. But what I can promise you is this:-

- I will never look at or touch another woman romantically for as long as we live.

- I will consider how every action I take and every word I say will affect you.

- I will love you unconditionally.

- I will always, always respect you.

- I will work hard for you and for our children.

- I will kiss you every single morning.

- I will always tell you how I am feeling.

- I will hide nothing from you.

- I will never stop being amazed by you.


Being with you has made me feel like me again. Being with you has made me smile uncontrollably, laugh out loud and appreciate everything about my life.

I'll never take you for granted, Chloe. I'm not a perfect man (no shit, right? lol) and I will not be a perfect husband. But I will be a good and loyal husband until I draw my last breath.

This is how it's meant to feel...

All my love, until the day I die,

Your husband to be,

Adam xxxx

Sorry

For the hearts that I’ve broken,

And poison I’ve spoken,

I’m sorry.

It’s an easy word to say, “sorry,” without really meaning it. It’s difficult when you do mean it.

In three weeks, I will be getting married. It’s the biggest commitment I have ever made to anyone, aside from becoming a parent and I am excited. All kinds of excited.

Making a big commitment like that though and changing your life in that way makes you reflect. And reflecting I am indeed doing.

I was afraid of commitment for so long. I was certain marriage would never be for me, that I would never give my life to someone. I was wrong. I was an asshole when I was younger. I presumed that just because me and a girl agreed at the outset that it would not get serious, that feelings would never become involved. And if ever they did, I scarpered.

I was a complete ass. Granted, never intentionally. I was always up front and clear with people that I was not looking for anything serious in my younger days. But it doesn’t make it right... and feelings were hurt. And I’m sorry.

In more recent years, I have been involved in relatively serious relationships that didn’t work out. I shut down, closed people out, pushed people away and showed a side of me in my grief that tore vicious wounds into the hearts of people I loved – not just romantic partners, but also friends and even family.

I have completely changed in the last year and a half. Actually, I wouldn’t say changed. I would say I rediscovered myself, at the risk of sounding insane. For a while I was in a somewhat dark place and it was not just me who suffered. It was everyone around me too.

I say it again, I was an ass.

I’ve been fortunate enough to come out of it. Counselling helped and the people around me giving me a good kicking helped as well. I feel like me again, only now I feel like me with a real plan in life, a really tight family around me and a son (as well as a daughter on the way) who will look to me for guidance. Life not only has purpose now, it has real meaning.

But for every single word I said that hurt anyone, for every single moment I was absent, for every second those I loved tried to reach out to me only to find me unresponsive.... I am sorry.

To Anje, the Mother of my son, I apologise deeply for never telling you when I had the chance, how grateful I am for him.

To Amy, whom I will never, ever, ever go a day without missing, I’m sorry I didn’t make more time for you.

To my Mother... I am sorry it took me long enough to realise what I really want from life, that you weren’t able to be around to see me get it.

I’m sorry.

Lessons learned, knowledge earned.

A Little Girl

We didn’t go with the intention of finding out. We knew if the baby was lying in an awkward position that we wouldn’t be able to anyway....and Chloe wanted a surprise.

But as we stood gazing at the monitor 19 weeks into the pregnancy and heard the words, “I can tell you if it’s a boy or girl if you’d like,” Chloe’s grip on my hand tightened.

“I want to know.... if you’re ok with that,” she smiled.

I nodded.

“You’re having a little girl.”

Chloe cried tears of joy for the daughter she’s dreamt of having since she was a girl herself. I swallowed a lump in my throat and considered all the teenage boys I will be chasing from my front door 15 years from now. But it was a happy though.

A little girl. A beautiful, tiny, baby girl.

Tonight, we told the family. Even our son was excited, despite initially declaring that he definitely wanted a brother.

“Well... I’ll show her how to play football and then she will be the best girl at football at her school.”

My sister and my in-laws were just delighted.

And now everyone is asleep and I’m sitting pouring thoughts onto a blank Word document with the happiest lump in my throat.

A little girl. All of the names we’d discussed for little girls seem so.... unsuitable.... now that we know it’s a daughter. I wonder why that is.

So it will be back to the drawing board on the names front.

But I love her already. Whatever she’s called, whether she’s tall or short.... whether she likes tennis or not, whether she decides to play musical instruments or otherwise...I love her.

I’m sitting here picturing my little angel, feeling a combination of happy, excited and marginally terrified. I cannot wait.

“My daughter.” Wow.... just wow.

Gifts like this make me believe there may be a God, after all.

I Run to Thee

I run to thee, you run to me
When storms form in the sky.
My arms will keep you safe, my love,
My coat will keep you dry.
I seek you out, and you seek me,
When sunshine lights the day,
Come dark or light, come good or bad,
Your love shows me the way.