Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Enjoying Happiness

I’ve spent the morning trying to work at my desk in the office but in reality gazing at the scan photo from yesterday with a grin on my face.

Becoming a Father to my son made me want to be a better person. Finding out there will now be two children looking to me for guidance throughout their lives makes me want to be better still.

I keep looking at the image and wondering what it will be like the moment I meet him or her the first time. I did not know of my son until he was 4 so I didn’t see the early days. We have more than made up for it in the last couple of years, though. But it will be a special feeling to hold my baby.

My son is so excited too. He keeps looking at the same photo and asking me questions.

“Will I be eight when he comes?”

“No, you’ll still be seven. And it might not be a boy. Maybe it will be a girl.”

“But seven is still a lot older isn’t it?”

“Yes. You’re definitely going to be the much bigger brother.”

“If it’s a boy, I can show him how to play tennis.”

“Yes, you can! But you can if it’s a girl too.”

“Girls are only supposed to play tennis with other girls. The girls in my tennis classes only play with other girls.”

“But you can teach her!”

“Yes I can.”

And then a while later it was questions about names and how long it will be until he or she is here and then how long it will be before he or she can walk and play. He’s as excited as Chloe and I.

My life has changed so much in 12 months. I felt as though I was stuck in a rut at the beginning of 2010. I was low, down... unmotivated and I took it out on the people in the world I loved the most.

I’m a different human being these days. I am the person I was before my Mother died – and the person I was for a brief spell in 2009. I’m me again.

I feel most at home being a Father, a husband (to be), a brother and a friend. That’s where I am at my most comfortable. Having them around me makes me feel like there’s a reason for everything I do, for every hour I am awake... They make me excited for the day ahead. I wake up feeling ready to go, ready to experience something new with them.

When I look at Chloe, I see my future. I see her beautiful smile and I know it fits. I don’t believe that anyone I have previously been in a relationship with was necessarily a bad person – I believe they were simply a bad fit for me and I for them. They and I were incompatible. And it’s clear when I am with Chloe that’s not the case. Everything just fits. We want exactly the same things at exactly the same time. She embraces me both for who I am, flaws included. And it’s reciprocated. Sharing my son with her (she is not his biological Mother, but he does refer to her as ‘Mum’ now) has been the most joyous thing I have done. They love one another so much. I look at Chloe and I know he’s who I was always meant to be with. The learning is over. This is the real thing.

Our son and I are determined to look after Chloe and our new baby throughout the pregnancy. Our boy has already been asking “what can I do?” and whether Chloe needs to be in bed.

“No,” I told him, ”she’ll carry on as normal for a long, long time yet. And then when it gets close, she will leave work. So she doesn’t need to be in bed, but you just keep doing all the things you normally do for her – like carrying her bags and making sure she doesn’t hurt herself.”

“Ok, Dad. I’m on it.”

I was told towards the end of 2009 that this would happen for me – a family. Marriage, more children....

“Nah,” I said, brushing it off. “That’s not me.”

I was wrong.

And as I enjoy every ounce of happiness that I’m blessed with, I equally enjoy knowing that the people I’ve been close to are enjoying their own as well.

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