A Week of Learning

I had an amazing (albeit hectic) week this week.

On Monday evening, I went to London for a SEO convention (SES). I was there for the three main days Tues, Weds and Thurs and then I also stayed around for the Friday online marketing summit.

What an educational experience that was! I felt like my head was going to explode with all the information – in a good way though!

The only downside was just how much I missed my little boy and my beautiful Chloe. It was really difficult being away from the two of them all week. I spent a few hours on the phone each night but it was, of course, not the same.

I’ve never really experienced that feeling – missing someone (romantically) like I missed Chloe this week. Sure, I’ve missed people, but I’ve never been in a position before where waking up without someone feels like waking up without a limb. It’s painful – but equally beautiful. She’s so much a part of me that being without her is just alien.

We moved house a couple of weeks ago and our little boy is loving the garden. He and Chloe built a bird house while I was away this week. He sits at the kitchen window gazing out and just waiting for birds to feed from the house.

He’s a happy boy. And that makes two of us :)

From a Dark Time

I like to read old thoughts...words typed and saved in a folder on my desktop. It's not always a happy experience, but it's sometimes a learning experience. And reading through some things I wrote in late 2009 was certainly thought provoking. Here was one such piece.... Perhaps my real appreciation of this comes in realising how far I have come since that dark time.

I feel nothing in the dark

And less in the light

When my sight is

Blighted with sadness

On faces and strangers

In places I knew

Once upon a time.

And there’s you.

Smiling. Lighting up

The room as you do

Just by being there.

And I want to care

For you as I know

You do for me.

But I can’t.

And you see it.

And you know.

But you won’t give up.

I love you for that.

But you have to go.

Stay Happy

I wonder if you wonder why
It took so long to find,
The man who makes you smile,
The true love of your life.
Don't question it, don't doubt it.
You're going to be his wife.

Cast doubts aside,
His stunning bride,
Just enjoy the glow.
You've earned it
You deserve it
And believe me,
I do know.

I do know how you've waited,
Breath bated for his heart.
And I have faith that in this life
You'll never be apart.

And I shall smile,
For all the while,
I'm silently so pleased,
To know you found
Your one true fit,
The fit that's meant to be.

Stay happy.

To Our Unborn Child

I see you. Not just in black and white on glossy hospital scan paper, but in my mind, running around the garden three years from now with a toy in your hand chasing your big brother. Sometimes in those daydreams you're a little boy with brown eyes, dark hair and mucky knees. Other times you're a beautiful little girl with your Mother's incredible smile - the type of smile that causes adorable dimples in your cheeks.




But I don't mind whether you're a son or a daughter. You are equally precious, equally as loved and just as beautiful to us.



Your brother made me a better person in many ways. He gave me the motivation I needed to go out there, take hold of my life and make it work. He made me want to create a comfortable living environment, a safe and loving home and a successful business. That is already there for you. You'll be looked after and you will be born into so much love. True love. You make me want to take the parenting skills I have already learnt and improve them further. You're already making me want to be better.



I keep laying my ear on your Mummy's tummy.



"It will be a long time before you can feel any real action there," the nurse told me in the hospital this week.



"I'm just checking," I told her back.



And I will continue to do so every night and every single morning.



Your brother and me, we've been reading you stories. In fact, he's been writing special ones specifically for the purpose of reading them to you. He's really excited to meet you. You'll love him and he already loves you and already feels very protective in his role as the oldest.



There are so many people here so eager to meet you. Gran and Grandad... Uncle Paul, Auntie Stacey and Uncle Carlo, Uncle Craigy, your brother,,,, and of course, me and Mummy.



Each day that passes is one day closer to us having you in our arms - a tiny little piece of us that will grow, learn, love, live...



Until we know whether you're going to be our second little Prince or our first little Princess, we'll lovingly refer to you as "Bump." It's not the best name, I know - and you're really not all that much of a bump yet either. But I promise we'll come up with something better soon, ok? We won't let you go to school with that name.



I love you. Already. I love you without having ever felt your tiny little fingers wrapped around mine. I love you without having kissed your head or heard you cry. But I do. And so does your Mummy and so does your big brother.



xx

Enjoying Happiness

I’ve spent the morning trying to work at my desk in the office but in reality gazing at the scan photo from yesterday with a grin on my face.


Becoming a Father to my son made me want to be a better person. Finding out there will now be two children looking to me for guidance throughout their lives makes me want to be better still.

I keep looking at the image and wondering what it will be like the moment I meet him or her the first time. I did not know of my son until he was 4 so I didn’t see the early days. We have more than made up for it in the last couple of years, though. But it will be a special feeling to hold my baby.

My son is so excited too. He keeps looking at the same photo and asking me questions.

“Will I be eight when he comes?”

“No, you’ll still be seven. And it might not be a boy. Maybe it will be a girl.”

“But seven is still a lot older isn’t it?”

“Yes. You’re definitely going to be the much bigger brother.”

“If it’s a boy, I can show him how to play tennis.”

“Yes, you can! But you can if it’s a girl too.”

“Girls are only supposed to play tennis with other girls. The girls in my tennis classes only play with other girls.”

“But you can teach her!”

“Yes I can.”

And then a while later it was questions about names and how long it will be until he or she is here and then how long it will be before he or she can walk and play. He’s as excited as Chloe and I.

My life has changed so much in 12 months. I felt as though I was stuck in a rut at the beginning of 2010. I was low, down... unmotivated and I took it out on the people in the world I loved the most.

I’m a different human being these days. I am the person I was before my Mother died – and the person I was for a brief spell in 2009. I’m me again.

I feel most at home being a Father, a husband (to be), a brother and a friend. That’s where I am at my most comfortable. Having them around me makes me feel like there’s a reason for everything I do, for every hour I am awake... They make me excited for the day ahead. I wake up feeling ready to go, ready to experience something new with them.

When I look at Chloe, I see my future. I see her beautiful smile and I know it fits. I don’t believe that anyone I have previously been in a relationship with was necessarily a bad person – I believe they were simply a bad fit for me and I for them. They and I were incompatible. And it’s clear when I am with Chloe that’s not the case. Everything just fits. We want exactly the same things at exactly the same time. She embraces me both for who I am, flaws included. And it’s reciprocated. Sharing my son with her (she is not his biological Mother, but he does refer to her as ‘Mum’ now) has been the most joyous thing I have done. They love one another so much. I look at Chloe and I know he’s who I was always meant to be with. The learning is over. This is the real thing.

Our son and I are determined to look after Chloe and our new baby throughout the pregnancy. Our boy has already been asking “what can I do?” and whether Chloe needs to be in bed.

“No,” I told him, ”she’ll carry on as normal for a long, long time yet. And then when it gets close, she will leave work. So she doesn’t need to be in bed, but you just keep doing all the things you normally do for her – like carrying her bags and making sure she doesn’t hurt herself.”

“Ok, Dad. I’m on it.”

I was told towards the end of 2009 that this would happen for me – a family. Marriage, more children....

“Nah,” I said, brushing it off. “That’s not me.”

I was wrong.

And as I enjoy every ounce of happiness that I’m blessed with, I equally enjoy knowing that the people I’ve been close to are enjoying their own as well.

The Best Valentine's Gift

The Best Valentines Gift

We passed on the fancy dinners, weekends away, material crap and general commercial non-spontaneous romance that Valentine's forces upon society this year.

We do romance each and every single day. It's in the kisses, the cuddles, the words we say, the actions we carry out.... it's in the air between us and the atmosphere around us. It's in the vibe that is our household. It's everywhere.

So we felt no need to hold a special weekend or event - we go away for quiet weekends thoughout the year anyway.

But we did go somewhere special. And we did get a special gift....

I have been DYING to write this post. Absolutely DYING to. But I promised I wouldn't until now.

Yesterday we went to the hospital in Oldham for a scan. Chloe is ten weeks' pregnant. :))))))

I was supopsed to wait until week 12 to say anything but after the scan she agreed I could tell everyone. What better way to spend any day (whether February 14th or otherwise) than looking at this brand new little life inside the women I love. A new little life that, less than 7 months from now, will be a tiny little person lying in my arms.

After the hospital, we went to my sister's/ We'd left our son there (he's on half term this week and having fun with Auntie Stacey and his baby cousin is high on his agenda). We told my sister and our boy at the same time to the same delighted response of both of them. Then we visited Chloe's parents. As we were about to spill the beans, our son beat us to it:

"I've got some news," Chloe told them..... and then she paused because tears were forming in her eyes. Our boy was clearly a little impatient.

"Can I tell them?" he asked, looking at her.

She nodded, smiled and kissed his head.

"I'm getting a brother or a sister!"

There were tears and smiles. Our family and friends are so delighted for us.

Chloe will be around 22 weeks' pregnant when we fly to Cuba to marry. We hadn't, of course, planned for that to be the case. But we don't care :) We could not be happier. We found out just before Christmas and it made Christmas so so so special. The hardest thing was not telling people - literally not a soul.

I am full of happy right now. Boy, girl... we don't care. It will be a tiny little person who will come into the lives of the most loving Dad, the most loving Mother and the most loving big brother - 3 people who want this little baby more than anything in the world.

My sister said pretty much the exact same thing I said once all this sank in.

"I wish Mum was here."

And I do too. Every time something happens, we feel like that. But it's a warm and happy feeling, knowing how happy she would have been.

And my boy will be the bestest big brother in the world.

I am excited. So, so excited.... but more than anything, thankful.

Not Afraid

I’m not afraid to die
Just as long as I have lived.
I’m not afraid to take,
Just as long as I can give.
I’m not afraid to love,
So long as I’m loved in return.
I’m not afraid to teach,
Just as long as I can learn.
I’m not afraid to cry,
As long as tears don’t last forever.
My love, I’ve fear of nothing,
Just as long as we’re together.


Chloe, I dedicate my life to you
xxxx

Write Wrongs

I write wrongs
Composing pain with pen
On page, setting the stage
For a story of sorrow.

But tomorrow sheds a new light
The end of nights
And sunrise waits.

My pen will
Write wrong no more,
We close that door
And all move on.

Success

Success is different for everyone and undoubtedly a combination, for most, of a number of things. For some, it’s sporting success, being the best at something. For others it is business.

For me, business does matter. It’s not the most important thing in my life, but it matters. It offers my wife to be, son and future children to come some security in the long term. I like to be able to provide. Call me a traditionalist, but I would feel inadequate if, as a man, I was unable to provide for my family. So I work hard, while putting time aside to enjoy my family as well. I’ve expended my company into social media marketing, viral marketing, mobile marketing, PPC as well as SEO. The results we’re getting across all of them are amazing and my sister is also getting involved now too, which is wonderful.

But business isn’t at all the only thing to define success and I think those who get too caught up in business miss out on what truly matters – small things, family time, laughter....the five minutes in a morning that you reserve for a cuddle in bed. It’s not too much of an ask to set an alarm five minutes earlier and it gives Chloe and I five minutes to savour the stillness of the morning and just enjoy one another quietly for a few minutes before the rush of the day begins.
I think for me success is down to balance. Keeping it all going without one area ever impeding too much on another.

I consider myself successful... not because I’m financially comfortable, not because of a car or a status property or any of that shit, but because I’ve finally achieved the balance in life.

Rest Now

Be still now and close your eyes.

Love awaits you on the other side.

Let be gone these painful years,

Let be gone the tears and fears.

Be still now and close your eyes,

I cannot promise not to cry,

But though it may well take a while,

I promise I will, one day, smile.

Be still now and close your eyes,

Let worries, woes just pass you by.

You can rest now, it’s alright.

A kiss goodbye, a fond goodnight.