Sunday, June 12, 2011

Looking Forwards

There’s so much here to gain,
That tonight I stand and choose,
To love and learn and live again,
Not fear what I may lose.

We spend so much of our lives worrying about what we might lose. Well, ok, I do. Too many years of looking backwards in self-pity at a shitty deal that saw me lose a Father at 5 and a Mother in my early 20s… too many years of doing that led to a real sense of bitterness and “oh aren’t I hard done by?”

At the risk of sounding like a whiney ass here, it does seem like bad luck… just as I was getting over my parents, I lost the Mother of my son and little over a year on, one of my closest friends.

Losing the Mother of my son set me back. Majorly. I did the whole push the world out thing and used those closest to me as verbal whipping posts, venting my fury with some nasty, toxic words.

But I’ve learnt, in the past year, the art of looking forwards, rather than gazing backwards and looking longingly for familiar faces I can no longer see.

When I got married last month, I promised my wife I would only ever look forwards – forwards at the amazing life we have built for ourselves.

She made a good point;

“You won’t always look forwards. Everybody looks back from time to time. I just need you to promise me you will let me in and tell me how you’re feeling.”

She’s right. There will probably always be days I think about those I can’t touch or hear anymore. But she just needs to know about it…. And I just need to make sure that the odd glance back does not consume my thoughts. I have too much to look forward to.

My daughter will be born in 3 months.

Oh my God… how terrifying is that? And awesome at the same time!

My son is the happiest he has ever been. He’s taking the joy out of every single day. His wounds have healed. They scarred… but they don’t hurt anymore. In fact, most days he hardly notices they’re there. On some days they tingle, but he handles it well.

He misses his Mother terribly. But he, the fine example that he is, has picked the pieces up and is trudging on with his life and enjoying every single moment of it. He’s an inspiration of a little boy. In fact, right now he is with my Sister and nephew outside jumping in puddles. That’s really all they are doing. We bought him some new wellies when we moved out of the city and he’s been waiting for a weekend as rainy as this one has been to just go out jumping in puddles. Forget Playstations, Wiis, TV and all that material crap… he’s happiest playing in puddles. Just how it should be, right?

Humans are resilient when they choose to be. We’re not as fragile as we sometimes allow ourselves to think we are.

Anyhow, that’s enough of the deep thinking for me for one day. I’m off to jump in puddles too…

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