Welcome to the World Olivia Rose

2013 has started in the most wonderful way possible. My 3rd child was born a little early, but perfectly healthy shortly after 6am on New Year's Day. 

Welcome to the world, Olivia Rose, my sweet, sweet, beautiful baby girl. I love you as though I've loved you all my life, yet we've only just met.

Christmas Creeps Up and my Best Bud is Back

Christmas is less than 3 weeks. How did that happen?! It came around so quickly again. 

On Friday 21st December, I'll leave the office for a whopping 6 weeks off (thanks to Emma, my new Operations Manager, I can leave without feeling as though the world will implode)!

By the time I get back into the office, I'll have celebrated Christmas, my son's birthday, the New Year and will have a new baby son or daughter.

A lot going on.

One of the most exciting things going on? Craigy boy is back! One of my best friends and his lovely wife moved to the other side of the world a while back. He arrived back a few days ago. It's like he never left. He's totally fallen in love with my little girl, who's now toddling around and mumbling little words. He can't believe how much my boy has grown. And he has his own little bundle of joy as well.

Well, Craig, I guess we grew up. Instead of spending our first night out in ages in a club, we spent it in a quiet pub talking about (swooning over) our respective families.

It's better than it's ever been for both of us.

And as I'm unlikely to post again before Christmas, a Merry Christmas to you all. I wish you health, comfort, love and happiness. All of you. You know who you are :)

Controlling the Control Freak with the Chimp Paradox

I'm a control freak.

I like to be completely in control of every single element of my life. I think that's probably natural. But there are things we can't control:

• We can't control cancer
• We can't control mortality
• We can't control the weather
• We can't control the feelings of others
• Hell, most of the time we cannot control our own feelings

I'm learning to control my control freakish behaviours with this awesome book, The Chimp Paradox.

This book is awesome. It breaks down the mind into 3 sections:

- The human

- The chimp

- The computer

The human is the part of you that works on fact, that works without emotion and that responds based on concrete fact.

The chimp is the part of you that behaves based on emotion. The chump uses instinct and feeling to formulate its behaviours and responses.

The computer is the part of your mind that handles pre-programmed behaviours and these can be stored there by either the human or the chimp.

Identifying at any time which part of your brain is in control (the human or the chimp is as simple as asking yourself: "Do I want to feel like this or behave like this?" If the answer is no, then it's chimp behaviour.

Now, I'm not usually one for 'psycho babble' but this book is incredible. Just understanding your behaviours (the ones out of your immediate control) is incredibly powerful. If you're someone who struggles with anger, jealousy, erratic emotions or misjudged overreaction then this is for you.

Enjoy :)

Stuff That Scares Me

"You're not afraid of ANYTHING," 

said my son this morning as I swiftly took up a spider in a tissue and set it free out of the front door (as Chloe screamed on the stairs ;-)).

"Yes I am," I assured him.

"Like what?"

But before I had chance to answer he was distracted by the school holidays hyperactivity that sets in on the first Monday of the break and he'd rushed off into the garden to play football with our crazy dogs.

I was left washing the breakfast dishes with my thoughts.

I'm not as afraid as I used to be.

But I'm still scared of some things:

• I am scared of not being a good enough husband. Chloe deserves only the best. I just hope my best will always be good enough.

• I'm scared that my son and daughter and 3rd unborn child are growing up in a world with so much cruelty and evil. It scares me that one day they'll be out there as adults faced with it. 

• But I'm even more scared of being an over protective parent. I believe children have to make their own mistakes and, to some degree, discover the ugliness of humanity for themselves in many ways. It's what teaches us to protect ourselves.

• I'm scared to death of losing those I love. Aren't we all?

• I'm scared of a side of my character I know lurks somewhere. I have a tendency in the difficult times to disappear into a hole of my own self pity and it's during these times I push everyone else around me away. I am scared that side of myself is still there somewhere, though I haven't seen it for many years now.

But as I type this up sitting on the floor in a newly painted baby bedroom with a laptop, I know that in reality my fears are no different to those of anybody else. Will I be a good enough parent? Will I be a good enough spouse? Will I be just good enough? Will I be ok? Will those I love be ok?

We're human. We're all scared of something. It's life.

And when I look at my little family and our 3rd soon-to-be arrival, I know that the fears are worth it. Because for every moment I spend worrying about them all, I have a hundred moments of sheer, unrivalled joy.

To Mothers

For all of the amazing Mothers, step mothers and mother figures, you are amazing.

All of you.

Here's to the Chloes of the world who are rocks to their children, sturdy, consistent and always there with unconditional love and sound advice.

Here's to the Staceys of Manchester who work exhaustingly long hours from and are full time Mums too - cooking, cleaning, working, loving... How do you do it?

Here's to the Lisas of California whose parenting makes their children want to be their best and whose love is eternal.

Here's to the Sarahs of Nottingham who let their grown up children make their own mistakes but who will love them forever no matter what those errors are.

Here's to the Beths of Newcastle who open their homes and their hearts to troubled teenagers whose own parents have failed them. You give yourself completely and it's incredible.

Here's to the step Mothers and step Mother figures all over the world who have selflessly given themselves to children not biologically theirs, for however long or short a period. To touch the lives of children not your own (whether for a short time or forever) is one of the most selfless and precious gifts a woman can give.

Here's to the Mothers who've passed and who we think of every single day.

Here's to the unwavering advice Mothers are able to give, to the wisdom they impart and to the unforgiving lengths they go to in order to protect their children.

I've said it before and I will say it again - you amaze me.

The Things I Should Say Every Single Day

I was running late this morning. I jetted out of the house with a slice of toast hanging out of my mouth. As I got into the car, I received a text from Chloe:

"Here's the kiss you didn't have time for xxxxxxx"

I got out of the car, went back into the house and kissed my wife. Because I should never be in too much of a rush to do it.

My Mother used to tell me day in, day out that I should consider every single goodbye as the last, even just the goodbye I uttered as a teenager leaving the house to go to school every morning. She did that. As we were growing up, it was part of our morning routine. Mum would tell my sister and me how much she loved us over breakfast and she'd kiss us before she left for work. Every single day, without fail and (much to my horror as a sulky teen) regardless of whether we had friends around!

Yes, I was late this morning. But it was a small price to pay for a proper morning goodbye.

I will never be in too much of a rush to kiss my love goodbye in the morning. And it's not just the goodbyes I'm sometimes guilty of cutting corners on. There are so many things I should say every single day that I don't.

So, Chloe, my wife, my soulmate, my purpose, here are the things I should make the time to tell you every single day, because these are the definition of truth:

I know nothing truer than my love for you and our children. 

I still take the time every single morning to watch you as you wake up. In that state of half-sleepiness, you are at your most vulnerable. And it's as you are in this state that I am reminded of how much I love you and how much I live to protect you.

You are sexy. You are so, so beautiful to me and become more so with every single day that passes.

You're the funniest person I know.

You're the most creative person I know.

You're one of the most intelligent people I've ever had in my life.

You're driven, ambitious and that is the most admirable quality for a woman to have.

You are as wonderful a Mother as my own was.

I feel grateful every single day to have you in my life.

For the first time in my life, I believe I was made for someone. I was made for you and we fit.

Everything is better because you're in my life.

Chloe, I will never leave the house without kissing you again, my love xxx

We Don't Unlove

Humans are not built to 'unlove.' We don't get to choose who we love, when we love them and when we switch it off.

And it's on that basis and understanding that I was very sympathetic to the tears shed publicly by Chloe's ex at a wedding we went to today. Chloe's ex is a woman, a very bright and ambitious woman, kind, funny and sweet. She saw our little family, our son, tiny daughter and the ever growing bump that will be our 3rd child and she broke down into tears.

They've had their share of nasty exchanges over the last year, Chloe and Kirsty. Kirsty accuses Chloe of 'selling out to a boring straight lifestyle' and breaking her heart in the process. Chloe accuses Kirsty of turning some of their mutual friends against Chloe.

The truth is that Chloe and Kirsty split up. Some time later, Chloe and I fell in love and that seemed to mark with no degree of uncertainty that there would be no reunion for Kirsty and Chloe. And Kirsty hated me for the longest time. I understand it. I would have felt the same in her situation.

But tonight, when she broke down in tears at the wedding reception of a mutual friend, I felt her pain acutely. Chloe walked away to take the children away from that situation. I would ordinarily have followed, not keen to get into an argument in public. But I felt the need to talk to Kirsty and so I signalled to Chloe that I'd catch her up.

"Can I get you a drink?" I asked her. "Maybe it's time you and I had a chat that is made up of more than a series of expletives."

"Ok."

"I'm not getting you a red wine though. It has to be something clear in case you throw it over my shirt shortly..."

She managed a laugh.

We sat in a quiet corner of an otherwise bustling afternoon wedding reception full of happy adults, excited children and proud family-of-the-newly-weds. We said nothing for a few minutes. She was sobbing and I immediately felt this sense of compassion - not just because I am now married to the woman she cried for, but because I have felt what she is feeling. And I understand with such precision how helpless and full of unending sorrow she feels right now.

"Look," I said. "I think you and I have more in common than you like to think."

"Adam," she said, "With all due respect I don't think we have a single thing in common."

"We both know what heartbreak feels like," I ventured. "And we both know what true love feels like. And we both think Chloe is the most wonderful human being on Earth."

She cried more and I felt like I'd said the wrong thing, so decided to stop talking.

She eventually piped up.

"You're right. We have that in common. But I hate you for taking her from me."

"I didn't take her, Kirsty. You were already broken up. I fell in love with her. There's no crime in that. She fell for me and there's nothing we could have done about it. You know we can't control those things, cos if we could you'd have turned off how you feel about her right now. You'd have just stopped."

"Maybe. But maybe this intense pain is the only thing keeping me connected to her."

We talked some more. We developed an understanding. She will never like me, but she knows now that I understand her. And that I am not the reason that she and Chloe didn't work out.

She decided not long after that she was going to leave. She wasn't feeling up for it. She approached Chloe as she was going to leave, pulled her in for a (somewhat reluctant) hug and said,

"Your family is perfect. And you're made for one another. Good luck."

That was a beautiful gesture. And one I won't forget for a long time.

Because the truth is that as humans, we are not meant to unlove. We're not built to turn off emotions when they're inconvenient. We're simply not ever able to learn to not love someone. It either happens or it doesn't. And for me, love is something that lasts a lifetime. I've learnt that about myself. I don't fall out of love.

But sometimes love transitions and changes slightly. And we all learn to move on eventually.

I hope Kirsty gets there soon.