Dwelling

It’s only at this time of night, as everybody sleeps and the house is silent, that I ever ‘dwell.’ There’s so much activity during the day, so much to listen to, to see… children to enjoy, activity, work, entertainment… so much going on that I don’t dwell anymore on things that are better not dwelled upon.

But tonight I’m dwelling. And it’s unusual for me these days. I don’t like it.

I’m dwelling on Chloe’s recent miscarriage. I’m letting my mind wander to the ‘if onlys’ of that situation. I’m praying to a God I’m still not completely sure I believe in that my baby boy or girl made it to Heaven and is with Gran and Grandad.

I’m dwelling on shitty things I’ve said to people, shitty things I’ve done to people. I’m dwelling on the way I hurt my family and friends pushing everyone away all those years ago. And I don’t know why… I don’t dwell anymore.

I’m a firm believer that sometimes you just have to move on from mistakes. Clear up the debris as best you possibly can, take the lessons you can learn and move on. Sometimes those affected by your mistakes won’t let you clear up the mess… sometimes with good reason. And it feels unfinished to walk away from those situations. Yes, you have your lessons. But leaving carnage feels awful. Fortunately, in most cases, I have been able to clear up after my mistakes. Most of them.

In the grand scheme of things, the mistakes I have made have been relatively minor. But we are all our own worst critics and with a more mature outlook on life, I now dwell on things I said that I should never have said… things I did I shouldn’t have done.

Dwelling. A painfully unfamiliar state of being for me lately.

So it’s time for bed. Time to sleep. Tomorrow, the wonderful chaos of my beautiful family will wake me in the early hours and this dwelling will all seem a distant memory.

Sleep well, folks.