I See You

My Darling,

I see you. I see you sometimes clearer than I see myself. I see the outline of all the things that scarred your beautiful heart and I trace my finger gently along their outline, casting them carefully away.

Your flaws are a part of what makes you so beautiful, my love. The scars you bear on your beautiful heart have shaped it into what it is and what you are now. 

Love was never kind to you, was it? Love seemed never to favour you and instead seemed to scorn you. Love was what seemed to cause you most of the hurt you endured. That will hurt no more now - because I'll protect your heart. I will protect it with my life, my love.

This time, love will be kind. Love will be fair. Love will be sweet. Because it's mutual, because it's unconditional and because it's the only thing I've ever truly believed I can give you forever.

Your Soul Mate

xx

One Year Old Today

How time flies. A year ago I cradled you in my arms for the first time and fell head over heels in love with you. Now, you're toddling around unaided (albeit spending a remarkable amount of time falling onto your bum!) and every time I walk in the door you toddle over to me, arms stretched out in a 'pick me up,' pose and you know I can't resist.

You have your Daddy wrapped around your little finger. You know if you look at me that way, smile and stretch out those chubby little arms that even when you're supposed to be going to sleep, Daddy's going to pick you up for a cuddle.

I can't help it.

You've got your big brother wrapped around your little finger too. He's just like me - can't resist your beautiful little smile and 'please pick me up,' eyes. How you two adore one another! Watching him fall in love with you just as Mummy and I have has made the first year of your life all the more beautiful.

I love you. I love you, your big brother and your Mummy as much as any human being has ever loved others. You are all so precious to me and fill my life with such unrivalled joy.

Happy Birthday, Darling. Don't go growing up too quickly, though...

Overcoming the Fear of Happiness

Chloe and I have been nervously ecstatic since April. Nervously because the last time we were ecstatic about something like this, it was taken away and it's human nature to be cautious when something has been taken once.

But we've decided to overcome that nervousness and spent last week sharing the good news with family and friends that we're expecting a baby in January. The pregnancy came just a couple of months after a miscarriage earlier this year. Quicker than expected but we'll take that as a gift. And we've been assured time and time again by medical professionals that everything looks exactly as it should this time.

We're being careful though - in other words I am fussing way too much and not letting Chloe do a great deal. (Sorry, babe. I'll stop being so annoying in a few months!).

But in January, we'll be a family of five. The two of us, our son, our daughter and our new baby. A boy or a girl? I don't mind. I just want a healthy baby.

Our Baby Girl

Our daughter will turn one in August and she's just taken her first steps. Yesterday she let go of my hand and took five or six completely unaided steps before falling forwards into the couch, crying a bit, laughing a bit and then doing it all over again. She's been walking aided by her brother for some time and is keen to master the art solo so she can chase him when he's not in sight!

Our Grown Up Boy

Our boy has just completed another year of school and ended it with a glowing report.

"He's intelligent, polite and a real joy to teach. I'm really going to miss him next year," were the closing words of his teacher.

We're so proud of him and of the gentleman he is becoming at such a tender age.

Having children has completely changed me and added a layer of meaning to my life that I could never, ever have hoped for. I get to be me. I get to have my husband and wife time with Chloe. I get to have my business time. But the bulk of my time is with the family unit, where I am Dad.

Dad in my household means: nappy changing, joke telling, cuddling, helping with homework, kissing cuts and bruises better, making the best hot chocolate in the world, answering the questions of the universe, drawing pictures, doign jigsaws, playing chess, playing football, making funny faces accompanies with bizarre noises and just being there.

It's the best job I've ever had. And I'm overcoming the fear of being happy about it.

Inspired by a Lazy Day In Bed

Thanks to my Sister, Chloe and I were able to take a day off the world yesterday as she took the kids for a night and day and I took a day out of the office.

Let’s not get up today.

No, let’s just stay in bed.

We’ll kiss and talk and laugh

And fall in love some more instead.

Let’s not face the world today

Let’s leave our chores undone.

Let’s make some time for love

My love, let’s make some time for fun.

We had a wonderful day yesterday. We weren't parents, bosses... we weren't anything other than one another's. An entire day where we switched the world off and spent the day in bed with movies, board games, laughter and love.

What a wonderful day. Simple pleasures.

Understanding Our Faults

"I did something I shouldn't have done today, Dad," my boy told me as he clambered into the car after his first day back at school following the half term holiday.


"What did you do?" I quizzed?


"I talked back to my teacher. I'm sorry."


My boy is bright. Very bright. And he's cheeky in an endearing way most of the time. But when he's adamant that he's right there's no changing his mind and he has an occasional tendency to give a little too much cheek to his elders.


He told me the tale. It was a very minor talk back but his teacher rightly told him that very rude and inappropriate and it left him feeling bad.


"Did you apologise?"


"Straight away. And again at the end of the day. But I want to buy her a box of chocolates and I want to write a sorry card tonight."


And that's exactly what he did tonight. Tomorrow he'll take them in and apologise again. He'll probably lose sleep over it tonight because he's a worrier. But I think it's good for him to feel bad about it!


I'm proud of him.


Not for talking back, of course, but because he was able to acknowledge he was wrong about something and swallow his pride sufficiently to apologise and put it right.


That's something that hasn't always been a strength of mine - admitting my flaws and mistakes. And there are many.

• I'm too stubborn
• I wallow
• I push people away
• In the past, I've taken love and loyalty and failed to give enough back
• I've been guilty of negativity
• I've taken people for granted
• Even today, I have a childish tendency to sulk when I don't get my way (despite now how having two children of my own)!

I'm not about to start writing 'sorry' cards ;-) but I am getting better at admitting faults.

My young son, though, learnt all about that a lot quicker than I did.

Freedom

There's a spring in my step as the summer approaches. It didn't occur to me that the reason might be as simple as 'freedom,' until Chloe mentioned last night:

"I've not heard you say you regret anything in weeks."

"What?" I asked, puzzled.

"It's been a while since I've heard you say that you wish you'd done something or you wish you hadn't said something. Just an observation. That's all."

And she's right.

I'm free of regret, of guilt. Free of self blaming for things in the past that didn't work out, beyond cursing myself for things I never said to my Mother or my son's Mother or my friend, free of any guilt for the hurt of others, free of all of it. Because it's all worked out ok.

There are some people I miss terrible (Mum, Anje, Amy...) and always will. But they all knew I loved them sincerely. They knew it and I know they loved me too. So no more regrets for a goodbye I never got to say to Amy and no regrets for the Sunday afternoons I left my Mother's half hour early after visiting for dinner. Because she knew I loved her. They all did.

No more regrets for hurt shared between myself and former lovers and friends. No regrets for vicious words and I hold no grudges for their vicious words either (you're ok, Andy ;-)). Because it's all worked out.

Of those still here, everyone is happy, has found happiness and whatever has happened in the past has led those people to a place that they are happy with.

Of those no longer here, not one of them would ever want me to wallow in regret or in grief. We cannot help but miss them, but life must continue. That's an incredibly valuable lesson I have learnt from my son - a young boy with a man's heart.


And I am free. I am liberated of the 'what if,' the 'if only' and self doubting.

Now, pride. Pride for the fact I was able to be in those people's lives even if only for a short time. Pride at being a good Father (it's the job I am best at). Pride at being a caring husband.

I am so, so lucky:

• I have a son who is the apple of my eye, the sun in my sky and the music that turns the beat of my heart into a song. He is perfection in breathing form.
• I have a baby girl who is a Princess in her own right. Almost 10 months old and already skilled in the art of wrapping Daddy around her little finger. She's stolen my heart and I don't want her to give it back.
• My wife. My soulmate. She and I have both taken crooked paths to lead us together. We went our ways, both thought we fell in love with others and both repaired broken hearts before finding one another again. And it was worth it. I appreciate her all the more for knowing how much more she is than everything I have known before. We are imperfect. But we're perfect for one another. And our family is built of strong stuff.

So wave goodbye to looking back. The future's waiting in all its colour and glory.

Here Comes Summer

It's been almost 2 months since I updated this blog. Time flies... it feels like just a few days ago!

My daughter is now crawling. What fun that's made for. It's amazing just how many 'things' babies manage to get their hands on around the house. Her preferred 'things to grab' include hair, the dogs, her big brother's books and flowers. So far :)

She's so beautiful. She sleeps through the night most nights now, waking at around 5:30 or 6. I love hearing her gurgling and mumbling to herself first thing in the morning. She usually wakes just as I am getting up so I peer over her cot and watch her smile. She's starting to make word-like sounds. Not words yet, but she's getting there. She raises her hands up when she sees me in a 'pick me up' motion. And she and I have half hour or so in the living room before waking Mummy up. That's plenty of time for a nappy change, some baby breakfast and some cuddles. Those moments are so precious to me.

Then I get my son up and he and I both have 'grown up' breakfast together. He gets ready and I drive him to school. It's much nicer in the lighter months too... he's happier getting up early and the impending summer feeling makes the morning more energetic. By the time I get to work, I've already had well over an hour of quality time with my children. It makes the day start right for me.

I recently cut my hours in the office back - I worked hard to get my business to a point at which I can enjoy a little more family time and now I'm cashing in on that. This will be the summer for me and my family. I'll be at home more and we have big plans. We're going to go on holidays to the Canaries for a week or so, we're going to do a couple of weekends away in the UK as well. We're going to spend time outside with the dogs, visit zoos and museums. It's our summer.

And I can't wait for it :)